The Power of the Point!

The following is a more or less real conversation where Silky (me) and Bumpy (Scott) examine the awesome power of the exclamation point.

10:10:50 AM Klagon: yo bro
10:10:59 AM Scott Ham: hey bro!
10:11:07 AM Klagon: nice exclamation!
10:11:16 AM Scott Ham: thanks!
10:11:20 AM Klagon: This day is already looking up!
10:11:22 AM Scott Ham: I'm thinking of typing like this all day!
10:11:29 AM Klagon: We all seem so happy!
10:11:31 AM Scott Ham: what do you think?!
10:11:34 AM Klagon: Happy to work!
10:11:37 AM Klagon: Happy to type!
10:11:40 AM Scott Ham: fuck yeah!
10:11:49 AM Klagon: Fuck yeah, is right!
10:12:00 AM Klagon: Might as well keep it up, I'm smiling!
10:12:11 AM Scott Ham: that means it's working!
10:12:17 AM Klagon: There's a person in Texas who does this all the time!
10:12:28 AM Scott Ham: oh yeah?!
10:12:32 AM Klagon: Ask her for an excel report, get a "here you go!"
10:12:33 AM Klagon: !
10:12:52 AM Klagon: Without fail, she is excited to deliver even the most mundane news!
10:12:54 AM Scott Ham: that's disturbing!
10:13:00 AM Klagon: Tell me about it!
10:13:06 AM Klagon: We call her Lisa!
10:13:15 AM Scott Ham: is that her name?!
10:15:43 AM Klagon: Yes!
10:15:53 AM Klagon: But I don't think she yells it all the time like we do!
10:15:57 AM Klagon: LISA!
10:16:06 AM Klagon: HERE'S YOUR TPS REPORT!
10:16:08 AM Scott Ham: I'm smiling so much my face hurts!
10:16:17 AM Klagon: WITH THE NEW COVER SHEET!
10:16:22 AM Klagon: ME TOO!
10:16:30 AM Klagon: NOW I'M GOING TO KEEP CAPS LOCK ON!
10:16:35 AM Scott Ham: why are you shouting, too?!
10:16:42 AM Klagon: I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO COMPREHEND MY EXUBERANCE!
10:16:42 AM Scott Ham: you're starting to hurt my eyes!
10:16:52 AM Klagon: IT REALLY IS SHOCKING!!
10:16:54 AM Scott Ham: oh, I comprehend it!
10:16:58 AM Klagon: Too much even for me!
10:17:06 AM Scott Ham: I'm just so happy that you're so happy!
10:17:09 AM Klagon: WAIT ITS BACK!
10:17:13 AM Klagon: WHEEEEE!!!!
10:17:26 AM Scott Ham: I didn't see that one coming!
10:17:36 AM Klagon: HOW COULD YOU HAVE?!
10:17:42 AM Klagon: IT CAME FROM NOWHERE!
10:17:47 AM Scott Ham: I couldn't!
10:17:52 AM Scott Ham: that's what was so amazing!
10:17:59 AM Klagon: I KNOW!
10:18:04 AM Klagon: FOR ME TOO!
10:18:24 AM Scott Ham: I just had an apple fritter from Starbucks!
10:18:28 AM Klagon: Let's put that away for later!
10:18:31 AM Scott Ham: it was fucking delicious!
10:18:37 AM Klagon: That's great!
10:18:51 AM Scott Ham: the doughy part is a little crunchy like a cruller!
10:18:57 AM Klagon: Sounds like NO ONE has a case of the Mundays!
10:19:10 AM Scott Ham: there's a sweet sweet glaze covering the outside!
10:19:22 AM Scott Ham: and on the inside is fluffy yellow cake with lots of aple goodness!
10:19:23 AM Klagon: Its like a deep-fried muffin!
10:19:28 AM Klagon: Covered in sugar!
10:19:40 AM Scott Ham: my dick is growing just thinking about it!
10:19:47 AM Klagon: WHOA!
10:19:55 AM Scott Ham: i'm starting nutrisystem this week!
10:20:02 AM Scott Ham: so I can't eat the fatboy food anymore!
10:20:08 AM Klagon: BETTER ENJOY YOUR FRITTERS NOW!
10:20:09 AM Scott Ham: this fucking sucks!
10:20:19 AM Scott Ham: i'm going out in style!
10:20:22 AM Klagon: BECAUSE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WILL CAP YOUR ASS FOR EATING THAT SHIT!
10:20:34 AM Scott Ham: eating as much shit as I can cram in before that large box of small portioned food shows up!
10:20:36 AM Klagon: THEY'RE ALL EX-MOSSAD!
10:20:45 AM Scott Ham: no shit!
10:20:49 AM Klagon: KILLING SILENTLY!
10:20:50 AM Scott Ham: i did not know that!
10:20:52 AM Klagon: WITHOUT REMORSE!
10:20:57 AM Klagon: IN THE NIGHT!
10:21:08 AM Klagon: THEN GOING TO THE DISCO!
10:21:31 AM Scott Ham: i would rather be killed by a remorseless cutthroat than a whining, overthinking freak!
10:21:43 AM Scott Ham: i would feel bad if they were perennially tortured over my death!
10:21:43 AM Klagon: BECAUSE WHEN YOU LIVE IN A WAR ZONE, YOU STILL HAVE TO BOOGIE!
10:21:54 AM Scott Ham: dance it off!
10:21:56 AM Scott Ham: of course!
10:22:00 AM Klagon: THEY'RE TOTALLY CONDITIONED AGAINST REMORSE!
10:22:23 AM Scott Ham: I saw John Fogerty on the grammy
10:22:26 AM Klagon: AND ON TOP OF THAT HAVE MET SOMEKIND OF PREEXISTTING PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE!
10:22:28 AM Scott Ham: 's last night!
10:22:43 AM Klagon: SO THEY TRULY DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!
10:22:47 AM Scott Ham: he reminded me of your brother John!
10:22:51 AM Scott Ham: i like that about them!
10:22:51 AM Klagon: REALLY!
10:22:57 AM Scott Ham: it was weird!
10:23:02 AM Klagon: JOHN FOGERTY REMINDED YOU OF JON!
10:23:05 AM Klagon: ?
10:23:07 AM Klagon: !
10:23:12 AM Scott Ham: yessssss!
10:23:17 AM Klagon: HMMMM!
10:23:19 AM Scott Ham: more in physical appearance!
10:23:27 AM Klagon: Yeah, I can see that I guess!
10:23:34 AM Klagon: The hair!
10:23:40 AM Klagon: The squinting!
10:23:44 AM Scott Ham: oh the hair!
10:23:52 AM Scott Ham: the squinty eyes!
10:23:57 AM Scott Ham: the rockability!
10:24:02 AM Klagon: John Fogerty has some classic American folk-hair!
10:24:25 AM Klagon: You can imagine that hair on top of a man picking cotton, inventing the steam engine, or heading West!
10:24:42 AM Klagon: Or traveling the countryside with his giant blue ox, Babe!
10:24:52 AM Scott Ham: oh yeah!
10:24:55 AM Scott Ham: i love me some ox!
10:25:02 AM Klagon: Word!
10:25:16 AM Klagon: DJ Ox is going to come out of hibernation this week!
10:25:21 AM Klagon: With new fresh beats!
10:25:58 AM Klagon: <off topic: this should probably go on the blog!>
10:26:08 AM Klagon: <this is good stuff!>
10:26:11 AM Klagon: !
10:26:39 AM Klagon: Have you ever watched "the whitest kids u know" on IFC?!
10:27:27 AM Klagon: Funny!
10:27:37 AM Klagon: Not, "FUNNY!"
10:27:45 AM Klagon: But funny!
10:29:12 AM Scott Ham: i haven't!
10:29:17 AM Scott Ham: should I?!
10:29:21 AM Klagon: Maybe!
10:29:35 AM Klagon: I have a bunch of them on my DVR!
10:29:44 AM Klagon: I'
10:29:49 AM Klagon: ve seen two!
10:29:59 AM Klagon: They were both funny enough!
10:30:05 AM Klagon: With flashes of brilliance!
10:30:47 AM Klagon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkgMbU-we1o
10:30:49 AM Klagon: !
10:30:59 AM Klagon: This is probably as funny as it gest
10:31:03 AM Klagon: gets!
10:31:35 AM Scott Ham: I can't look at that right now!
10:31:40 AM Scott Ham: I have clients in the other room!
10:31:41 AM Klagon: OK!
10:31:45 AM Klagon: You really cant!
10:31:52 AM Klagon: Its kinda naughty!
10:31:58 AM Scott Ham: Oooh!
10:32:01 AM Scott Ham: I better not!
10:32:12 AM Klagon: This is so much fun!
10:32:21 AM Klagon: This exclaiming! Rather than talking!
10:32:31 AM Scott Ham: I've never used the shift key so many times!
10:32:43 AM Klagon: My fucking left pinky is killing me!
10:32:50 AM Scott Ham: I think I might have broken it!
10:33:01 AM Klagon: I mayhave to chop it off with a cleaver so the infection doesn't kill me!
10:33:13 AM Scott Ham: Better do that quick!
10:33:20 AM Klagon: At least I can join the Yakuza!
10:33:26 AM Scott Ham: infections are infectious!
10:33:33 AM Klagon: My lack of pinkie will let them know I
10:33:38 AM Klagon: 'm a man of honor!
10:33:45 AM Klagon: Or something!
10:33:57 AM Scott Ham: I think they do that as punishment!
10:34:01 AM Klagon: Right!
10:34:04 AM Scott Ham: i don't think it's honorable!
10:34:07 AM Klagon: So maybe not!
10:34:10 AM Scott Ham: it's a sign that you fucked up!
10:34:23 AM Klagon: No, I think to accept the punishment like a man is the honorable part!
10:34:28 AM Klagon: No?!
10:34:38 AM Klagon: Once you cut off a pinkie, its all cool!
10:34:47 AM Scott Ham: i think they would prefer that you didn't screw up in the first place!
10:34:54 AM Klagon: Well, yeah!
10:35:04 AM Klagon: But at least there's some kind of system!
10:35:28 AM Scott Ham: you need to have systems in place!
10:35:33 AM Klagon: Better than nothing!
10:35:40 AM Klagon: Just ask New Orleans!
10:35:50 AM Klagon: Huh?!
10:35:54 AM Scott Ham: there's a happy topic!
10:36:56 AM Scott Ham: way to grind a god conversation to a halt!
10:36:59 AM Scott Ham: jackass!
10:37:11 AM Klagon: But I exclaimed it!
10:37:24 AM Scott Ham: that can only carry you so far!
10:37:26 AM Klagon: See all the exclamation points!!
10:37:31 AM Klagon: I seethat now!
10:37:35 AM Scott Ham: whoa!
10:37:43 AM Scott Ham: you just did TWO exclamation points!
10:37:49 AM Scott Ham: I dont know if that's allowed!
10:37:53 AM Klagon: Too late!
10:37:59 AM Klagon: I don't follow rules!
10:38:11 AM Scott Ham: you're dangerous!
10:38:19 AM Klagon: THat's why the ladies dig me!
10:38:31 AM Klagon: They think they can tame this wild beast, but they can't !
10:38:31 AM Scott Ham: you're like the Danny Bonaduchie of chat!
10:39:16 AM Klagon: Danny Bonaduce!?
10:39:24 AM Scott Ham: is that how you spell it?!
10:39:26 AM Klagon: What the hell does that mean!?
10:39:27 AM Scott Ham: he's dangerous!
10:39:31 AM Klagon: Oh!
10:39:32 AM Scott Ham: he's a bad bad man!
10:39:41 AM Klagon: I had now idea! I thought he was just a douche!
10:39:47 AM Klagon: no idea!
10:39:56 AM Scott Ham: oh he is a douche!
10:40:01 AM Scott Ham: but he's also a bad man!
10:40:14 AM Klagon: Are you sure?!
10:40:30 AM Klagon: He looks like an old woman!
10:40:38 AM Klagon: I'm pretty sure he's just a douche!
10:40:49 AM Scott Ham: you could be right!
10:40:53 AM Scott Ham: i think he drinks!
10:48:26 AM Klagon: He drinks semen!
10:48:32 AM Klagon: From men!
10:48:44 AM Scott Ham: i had no idea!
10:49:12 AM Scott Ham: although as I think about it, it makes sense!

Who's Got It Better? The Dog v. Baby Debate

Baby:
Sleep all day, night.
Others clean poo, pee.
When hungry only need to yell equivalent of, "where the titties at" and titties appear. Big titties, too.
Possess thumbs, albeit nonfunctioning.

Dog:
Sleep all day, night.
Lack of thumbs means reliance on others to go potty, but still - no cleaning.
Food generally available on a regular schedule.
Can lick own genitals at will.

Verdict:
Dead heat in both food and sleep competitions. Titties/Nuts debate boils down to a "you say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to", win-win situation, and therefore no advantage.

I guess you'd have to give it to babies based solely on the existence and hedged value of thumbs.

A matter of great concern...

It has come to the attention of the parent holding company of The Toilet Papers that a person in our employ, a Mister Silky (apparently an alias) has advocated the mangling and abuse of a large crowd of prepubescent children.  It is with great concern that we address this troubling situation.

The Board of Directors of Cheatum & Fukem does not advocate this kind of reckless child abuse in a public place.  We find it inappropriate and reprehensible that a person in our employ would address such despicable actions in such a truthful matter.

Mister Silky has been an associate of this company for the last thirty seven years, winning twenty six employee of the month awards, ninety two employee of the week awards, and four “ didn’t do it” awards.  He has been a consistent earner for this company, using his incredible business acumen to convince client after client to spend money on frivolous contracts with huge markups.  He has truly been an asset to Cheatum & Fukem.

In an effort to exonerate Cheatum & Fukem from any liability in his horrifying yet honest comments, we will now slander him to the very core of his existence.

Mister Silky was born in a barn in the back woods of Alabama.  His mother was a twelve year old ex prostitute named Thelma, who didn’t realize she was pregnant and panicked at the sight of the child, quickly discarding it in the woods with the umbilical cord still attached.  He was soon discovered by a pack of wild badgers, who feasted on the placenta and umbilical cord and became so gorged with the entrails that they had no hunger left for the child.  They adopted him into their pack, where he nursed at the rabid teat of a mother badger, learning how to survive in the wild.

At the age of five, the mother badger became concerned with Silky’s demeanor.  He had risen above the basic pack mentality of domination and started teasing the other badgers in a hurtful manner.  Fed up with his name calling and reliance on “I know you are but what am I,” the mother badger grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and deposited him on the doorstep of local farmer Jeb Thunderbrush.  Upon hearing the rattling at his door, Jeb opened it to see the mother badger fleeing across his lawn.  He quickly deposited four rounds of buck into her hide.

Silky was devastated.  The only mother he ever knew had died right before him.  He was taken into the Thunderbrush family but made living difficult for the simple folk, nosing through the garbage, urinating in the oven, and gnawing on the children in their sleep.  Soon, Jeb became as frustrated as the dead mother badger and decided to drop Silky off at a military preschool academy in northern Texas.

Not much is known about Silky’s time in the military academy.  Records show he arrived at the age of five and by eleven was on the front lines in Korea.  He returned to the state in the late fifties with three Korean wives in tow.  They weren’t allowed through customs and returned home.

Silky used the GI bill to get himself a college education from Emmanuel College, a women’s school in Boston, where he majored in business and minored in straight to cable soft porn story telling.  Upon graduation, he moved to California and started his own company, Silky’s Softcore Emporium, a storefront selling softcore and hardcore pornography, while filming various underground sex videos in the back.  The company became so successful that it was bought up by Cheatum & Fukem, where Mister Silky rose to the level of VP of Marketing and Sales.

It is with great regret that we, the Board of Cheatum & Fukem, dismiss Mister Silky amidst these horrifying allegations.  

How Many 5-Year Olds Can Silky Take In A Fight...

24





HOW GREAT A DRUNK?



94%DRUNKARD

Find Sonography schools near you

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? STAY CLOSE TO SILKY



50%

Looking for payday loan?

Need some loot? Sell Silky's dead body!

$4140.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.

Learn about Ultrasound technicians

Walt This Way

I have been transported to another land, my fellow interwebbers. A
place where mice are the size of people, where hot dogs cost five
smackers, where the mass transit sucks, and the evil empire truly
rules the land.

No, it's not New York.

It's Disney World! The land where marketing and merchandising combine
into one gigantic clusterfuck spread across thousands of acres of
humid Floridian fauna. Nowhere in the country will you see so many
fat Americans gathered in one place, eating food that liberal
documentaries should be filmed about while trying to squeeze their
bulbous asses into amusement park rides that were interesting when
animatronics actually entertained. I mean really? It's a Small
World? Pirates of the Carribean? Peter fuckin' Pan? Does anybody
still give a crap about these stories? Does an animatronic alligator
opening and closing its mouth really classify as entertainment anymore?

Yeah, I'm old, and maybe I'm not the crowd that this drivel is
directed to, but I don't know too many kids who know about the
androgenous flying freak who steals a group of children and almost
gets them killed by pirates, while being chaperoned by a fairy.
Disney would never make this crap into a movie today: no one would let
them with all the violence and adult themes. And how the fuck is my
kid supposed to see it if Disney only allows the DVD to be sold for
short periods at a time? Who deliberately keeps their products AWAY
from the public? Arrogant pondsucking greedheads, that's who.

What did Disney ever really achieve to deserve such prime real estate
and an ever expanding chunk of Americana? Mickey Mouse? Donald
Duck? Cartoons? There are children running around this park, begging
their parents for mouse ears, pins (the latest piece of marketing
genius: buy pins and trade! How 1850!), or Cinderella dresses so they
can run around Florida in 90 degree heat wearing teflon head to toe.

The accomodations! Bringing your child? No problem. Need a crib?
How's about a pack and play instead. Have a toddler? Need a toddler
bed? How about a pack and play instead? A multibillion dollar
company, who's focus is children, can't be bothered with proper
orthapedic sleeping arrangements for their lemmings? Why use a
mattress when foamed cardboard will do?

Screw Walt Disney and his ancient boring rides. I can't even find a
roller coaster in this fucking place that does a loop. It ain't the
fifties anymore. Talking mice and singing puppets don't count for
entertainment in the 21st century.

What happens when you lie to the Sundance Channel

Well, I didn't really lie, but some of the questions are phrased in such a way that I didn't exactly answer them as truthfully as I could have. When the choices are "I like air" or "Fuck baby seals, they're yummy and I'm cold" you end up scoring slightly higher than perhaps you're living.

Whatever, such is the nature of multiple choice - and only two choices at that.

The Straight Dope, Straight From the Thinkbone of Silky

A total fucking wasteland. Las Vegas is a town built on nothing, representing only the basest of human interactions, lacking even the modicum of soul one would attribute to the common housefly.

I'm not prepared to offer a quick announcement of a found silver lining here in the beginning of my second paragraph. I stand by my grim assessment, and shall let it rest unmitigated by any snarky, neo-gonzo intimation that we and we alone were armed with the tools to save truth, beauty and meaning from Las Vegas' gaping maw. There will be no saving Sin City from itself, nor a need to save ourselves from Sin City. The place is too ravaged by its ever shifting caprices - that it may continue to attract unending waves of the indolent and the pie-eyed and the desperate- to ever leave a mark deeper than a headache on the likes of Bumpy Squires and The Shadow.

Come here looking for nothing, and you won't be disappointed.

The bats? Well, the bats are another story.