The Final Countdown... St. Louis Slingin'... And Then There Were Three... Automotives, Bouncing Nards and the Fear... Beef Sticks and Gout

The following is an actual conversation:
 
1:18:04 PM Klagon: yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo
1:18:21 PM Hambone: yo yo yo yoyoyo yo yo yo yoyoyo
1:18:29 PM Klagon: yeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyea
1:18:32 PM Klagon: one day
1:18:38 PM Klagon: til we're functionally in vegas
1:18:46 PM Hambone: yeah yeah
1:18:49 PM Klagon: yeyeyeyeyeyaa
1:19:11 PM Klagon: I wish we could get like an hour of child visitation per day
1:19:22 PM Hambone: yeah
1:19:27 PM Klagon: get alittle fix then usher them away to safety
1:19:29 PM Hambone: i had much guilt last tme
1:19:44 PM Klagon: I'm usually ok until the middle of day two
1:19:54 PM Hambone: who is this dancer?
1:19:58 PM Hambone: is that jon?
1:20:16 PM Klagon: Chris, with giant australian lifeguard hat and night vision monocle
1:20:25 PM Hambone: jesus
1:20:30 PM Hambone: he's fatter than I thought
1:20:35 PM Hambone: we all need to go on a crash diet
1:20:39 PM Klagon: totally.
1:22:18 PM Hambone: ever been to st louis?
1:22:30 PM Klagon: no. will it make me feel thin?
1:22:35 PM Klagon: Mike just got back
1:22:50 PM Klagon: ask him about his hotel, apparently he had a really sweet view of the arch
1:23:06 PM Hambone: i was just contacted by a headhunter looking to fill a job in st louis
1:23:18 PM Klagon: huh.
1:23:23 PM Klagon: its the most dangerous city in america
1:23:29 PM Hambone: is it?
1:23:33 PM Hambone: worse than detroit?
1:23:35 PM Hambone: and DC?
1:23:37 PM Klagon: which is strange in a counttry that includes detroit
1:23:44 PM Klagon: I think its a per capita assessment
1:31:54 PM Hambone: mmmm
1:31:58 PM Hambone: hmmmmm that is
1:32:01 PM Hambone: mmmm per capita
1:32:21 PM Klagon: thats what I heard. didn't do any independent corroboration or further research
1:32:26 PM Klagon: James Ellroy lives there
1:32:33 PM Klagon: So that ought to tell you something
1:33:07 PM Hambone: miles grew up there
1:33:13 PM Hambone: my vegas friend grew up there too
1:33:16 PM Klagon: So that's awesome
1:33:29 PM Hambone: not if the jazz scene sucks now
1:33:29 PM Klagon: Dick-slingin' ***** grew up there?
1:33:33 PM Hambone: yeah
1:33:43 PM Klagon: So the place can't be all bad
1:33:52 PM Hambone: i don't know if I'd call him dick slingin' ***** when you first met him
1:33:54 PM Klagon: As long as you enjoy random dick on your shoulder
1:34:01 PM Klagon: No?
1:34:13 PM Klagon: Then tell him not to sling dick while I'm playing video games
1:34:14 PM Hambone: might be a weird intro
1:34:24 PM Klagon: What if I call him Dr. Dick-slingin' *****
1:34:32 PM Klagon: I'll extend the proper respect
1:34:37 PM Hambone: you could call him Dr Choco
1:34:42 PM Klagon: I'm not a heathen
1:34:45 PM Hambone: that's what his dick was referred to
1:34:53 PM Klagon: I see
1:34:54 PM Hambone: and he for that matter
1:34:57 PM Hambone: filipino
1:35:00 PM Hambone: brown dick
1:35:01 PM Klagon: Nice that you had a nickname for it
1:35:01 PM Hambone: Choco
1:35:04 PM Klagon: I figured
1:35:08 PM Hambone: wasn't my joke
1:35:13 PM Klagon: He seemed brownish
1:35:27 PM Hambone: pinoi's don't care about that shit
1:35:27 PM Klagon: I figured he was eye-talian
1:35:42 PM Klagon: dick slingin, you mean?
1:35:43 PM Hambone: mike used to show us his furry ass all the time
1:35:48 PM Klagon: Huh.
1:35:54 PM Hambone: dick slingin', flaunting the shit
1:36:03 PM Klagon: Uptight whiteys cant always get behind that
1:36:07 PM Klagon: no pun
1:36:22 PM Klagon: I lived with a guy who used to show people his ass all the time
1:36:25 PM Klagon: Brian.
1:36:30 PM Klagon: He's a corporate lawyer now
1:36:35 PM Hambone: mike called me into another room once, and when I walked in, he was on the pool table on all fours with his super hairy asshole pointed at me, laughing like Beavis
1:36:42 PM Hambone: mike's a drug addict now I think
1:36:43 PM Klagon: A total idiot
1:36:54 PM Hambone: not sure
1:36:58 PM Klagon: Huh
1:37:08 PM Hambone: last I heard he was playing with special k in san fran six years ago
1:37:10 PM Klagon: So why does ***** need the hookup
1:37:22 PM Klagon: Tell him we want some fucking percoset, stat.
1:37:28 PM Hambone: hehe
1:37:33 PM Hambone: i could make that call
1:37:36 PM Hambone: a bit unethical
1:37:39 PM Klagon: slightly
1:37:45 PM Klagon: my back hurts
1:37:45 PM Hambone: dont even know what kind of doctor he is
1:37:53 PM Hambone: my balls are killing me
1:37:53 PM Klagon: he better be a titty doctor
1:38:04 PM Klagon: really, or just for fun
1:38:08 PM Klagon: your balls that is
1:38:08 PM Hambone: that guy would get a hard on at every exam
1:38:13 PM Hambone: fun
1:38:16 PM Klagon: oh
1:38:18 PM Klagon: that's good, I don’t want your balls to hurt unless I do the hurting
1:38:46 PM Klagon: then I know its nothing serious, just that i kicked you, or whacked you with a pool cue
1:38:48 PM Hambone: thanks
1:38:54 PM Klagon: I'm looking out

…

3:27:33 PM Hambone: yo
3:27:38 PM Klagon: yo
3:27:42 PM Klagon: can we go now
3:27:50 PM Klagon: just hang out at the airport for 36 hours?
3:27:58 PM Hambone: that's not a bad idea
3:28:04 PM Klagon: its a nice airport
3:28:13 PM Klagon: did you find out if your fuct or not?
3:28:15 PM Hambone: not a very robust food court
3:28:29 PM Klagon: they closed down the fridays because its filthy
3:28:55 PM Klagon: so we're stuck with that weird noshes joint
3:28:59 PM Klagon: where everything sucks
3:29:06 PM Klagon: kind of
3:29:48 PM Klagon: I think The Shadow is coming to Vegas
3:30:13 PM Klagon: Things just took a left turn to bizarroland.
3:30:38 PM Klagon: with a pitstop in giggly moron ville.
3:39:25 PM Hambone: huh?
3:39:28 PM Hambone: he's in?
3:39:30 PM Klagon: That's what he says
3:39:35 PM Hambone: i thought he was working?
3:39:46 PM Hambone: the good news is that he LIKES the rollaway
3:39:52 PM Klagon: He was all "Hey aren't you guys going to Vegas this weekend?"
3:40:03 PM Klagon: And I was all "FuCK YEAh buddy"
3:40:12 PM Klagon: then he was all "That's funny, me too"
3:40:22 PM Hambone: for work?
3:40:31 PM Klagon: No, to fuck around with us
3:40:41 PM Klagon: and disappear, then reappear
3:40:50 PM Hambone: all Shadow-like
3:40:54 PM Klagon: exactly
3:40:59 PM Klagon: and to cheapify the room
3:40:59 PM Hambone: what happened, ****** got tired of him?
3:41:07 PM Klagon: she fucking hates that guy
3:41:13 PM Hambone: wants some time with the shower massager?
3:41:18 PM Klagon: Word son
3:41:27 PM Hambone: that was a bit cold
3:41:31 PM Hambone: but those things are magic
3:41:38 PM Klagon: tell me about it
3:43:42 PM Klagon: not really
3:43:53 PM Klagon: I don't want to hear about your secret shames
3:44:22 PM Hambone: not for me
3:44:33 PM Klagon: for the ladies
3:44:34 PM Hambone: water massages dont feel great on the nuts
3:44:37 PM Hambone: but the ladies
3:44:38 PM Hambone: oofa
3:44:44 PM Klagon: oo
3:44:45 PM Klagon: fa
3:44:47 PM Hambone: makes the bean go crazy
3:46:49 PM Klagon: this ought to be entertaining
3:46:57 PM Hambone: so wait
3:47:04 PM Hambone: is he going to jet blue on friday?
3:47:13 PM Klagon: as long as he's up for doing whatever we tell him to do
3:47:15 PM Klagon: yes.
3:47:16 PM Klagon: JB
3:47:26 PM Hambone: this kinda fucocks saturday while you're at the wedding
3:47:29 PM Hambone: JB....
3:47:32 PM Hambone: is coming?
3:47:33 PM Klagon: jet blue
3:47:36 PM Hambone: oh
3:47:37 PM Hambone: damn
3:47:45 PM Klagon: I realized that was gonna fuck with you too late
3:47:45 PM Hambone: got worked up for a second
3:47:57 PM Hambone: he would truly have been Big Time
3:48:05 PM Klagon: ohhh saturday with dick slingin *****?
3:48:12 PM Hambone: or Big Time©
3:48:18 PM Hambone: that deserves a copy write
3:48:19 PM Hambone: yea
3:48:22 PM Klagon: we would have to own that shit
3:48:30 PM Hambone: i can't strand The Shadow
3:48:31 PM Klagon: not necessarily
3:48:46 PM Klagon: he might not be interested in poolside
3:48:52 PM Klagon: he might come to the wedding
3:49:04 PM Klagon: its a free for all, no rules
3:49:12 PM Hambone: thats fucked
3:49:18 PM Klagon: whats fucked?
3:49:20 PM Hambone: if he goes to the wedding and I don't
3:49:32 PM Hambone: why don't you get some black pen and scrawl "asshole" across my forehead
3:49:48 PM Klagon: maybe shadow's got his own plan
3:49:53 PM Klagon: is all I'm sayin
3:50:02 PM Hambone: he's going to the rhino for some afternoon delight
3:50:11 PM Klagon: totally
3:50:36 PM Klagon: he's gonna blow a grand at the Rhino saturday afternoon
3:50:44 PM Klagon: then just sleep it off the rest of the weekend
3:51:10 PM Hambone: so he's flying friday?
3:51:21 PM Hambone: leaving monday with us?
3:53:11 PM Klagon: he's flying friday, lands at noon, taking red-eye home sunday night
3:53:20 PM Hambone: he's doing what **** should have done
3:53:30 PM Klagon: he's on the line now, should I mention your saturday fun to him
3:53:49 PM Hambone: tell him I'm supposed to go see a college bud on saturday
3:53:59 PM Hambone: but we may just hang around the house and then head out
3:54:14 PM Hambone: should we upgrade the room?
3:54:16 PM Hambone: hehe
3:54:17 PM Klagon: more the merrier, of course?
3:54:20 PM Klagon: no
3:54:23 PM Klagon: lets keep it mellow
3:54:25 PM Hambone: i assume
3:54:31 PM Hambone: mellow?
3:54:33 PM Hambone: in Vegas?
3:54:41 PM Klagon: on the room, anyway
3:54:47 PM Klagon: the rest of it should be off the heezy
3:55:48 PM Klagon: yeah.. still not going to be in our room all that much, what's the point
3:55:52 PM Klagon: its nice enough
3:55:59 PM Klagon: to recover and fart in
3:56:20 PM Hambone: can't impress a hooker with a rollaway
3:56:26 PM Klagon: true.
3:56:30 PM Hambone: like a hooker needs impressing
3:56:34 PM Klagon: you can if you're just going to kill her anyway
3:56:41 PM Klagon: then it doesn't matter
3:56:43 PM Hambone: so true
3:59:18 PM Hambone: might want to consider the car through monday now
3:59:24 PM Klagon: perhaps
3:59:38 PM Hambone: could come in handy on sunday
3:59:41 PM Klagon: no real need, since we're on the strip
3:59:49 PM Klagon: why handy on sunday?
3:59:58 PM Hambone: but back and forth to old town, out to a club in the evening
4:00:03 PM Klagon: We're gonna be shitcanned on sunday
4:00:06 PM Hambone: could be lots of back and forth
4:00:12 PM Hambone: that's true
4:00:19 PM Hambone: are DWIs illegal in Vegas?
4:00:26 PM Klagon: Better off donating to the local cabbie poplulation
4:00:47 PM Klagon: even 5-6 short rides won't add up to the extra $150 for the jeep
 
…
 
4:05:24 PM Hambone: Shadow good for guns on friday?
4:05:30 PM Klagon: of course
4:05:42 PM Klagon: he gets in an hour before we do
4:05:55 PM Klagon: I wonder if there's a way I can arrange to have him pick up the jeep
4:07:28 PM Hambone: now you're thinking
4:07:31 PM Hambone: he aware of the jeep?
4:07:36 PM Hambone: he likes transportation
4:07:36 PM Klagon: dunno
4:07:43 PM Hambone: so much so that he paid for the entire car last time
4:07:48 PM Hambone: sick fuck that he is
4:07:59 PM Klagon: I believe he AMEXbonused that shit
4:08:16 PM Hambone: ah
4:08:18 PM Klagon: I could just give him the res # and have him transfer the thing to him
4:08:38 PM Hambone: that would be swell
4:08:45 PM Hambone: we're still going to have baggage issues
4:08:49 PM Hambone: jeeps ain't big
4:08:57 PM Klagon: its a wrangler extended
4:09:00 PM Hambone: three dudes, 5 or 6 bags
4:09:01 PM Klagon: i think
4:09:05 PM Hambone: the four door?
4:09:09 PM Klagon: how much shit are you bringin?
4:09:13 PM Hambone: or the Scrambler?
4:09:16 PM Klagon: not the 4 door, the scrambler
4:09:26 PM Hambone: i have a backpack with my computer and gear
4:09:30 PM Hambone: and then a bag with clothes
4:09:34 PM Klagon: right
4:09:44 PM Hambone: dont get on me motherfucker, I was the only one who didnt check baggage last time
4:09:50 PM Klagon: I didnt' check shit
4:09:57 PM Hambone: you dicks packed like a bunch of chicks flyin to the Caribbean
4:10:01 PM Klagon: or did I because ******* was going to anyway?
4:10:07 PM Klagon: that's *******’s fault
4:10:07 PM Hambone: yes you did
4:10:12 PM Hambone: uh huh
4:10:23 PM Klagon: he was all, "I'm checking my bag no matter what"
4:10:29 PM Klagon: "Thats how I'm rolling"
4:10:31 PM Hambone: he's a douche too
4:10:35 PM Klagon: Fuck him
4:10:39 PM Hambone: not even coming
4:10:41 PM Klagon: I ain't checking shit
4:10:41 PM Hambone: fuckwad
4:10:44 PM Hambone: fuck that
4:10:52 PM Klagon: lean and mean
4:10:56 PM Hambone: check this
4:10:59 PM Klagon: swing low, shweet chariots
4:10:59 PM Hambone: fuckers
4:11:05 PM Hambone: oh natural baby
4:11:08 PM Klagon: I got a bag you can check, right here
4:11:16 PM Klagon: smooth as silk
4:11:40 PM Hambone: eeeeeewwwww
4:11:49 PM Klagon: I didn't shave my coin purse
4:11:56 PM Klagon: its a line from a Ween tune
4:11:59 PM Hambone: well thats what it sounded like
4:12:02 PM Klagon: I know
4:12:04 PM Klagon: still funny
4:12:16 PM Hambone: you shave your manbag?
4:12:22 PM Hambone: twisted
4:12:27 PM Klagon: What did I just say?
4:12:29 PM Hambone: aren't you afraid you're going to cut it?
4:12:47 PM Hambone: make one of your nards fall out?
4:12:56 PM Hambone: chasing it as it bounces around the room?
4:13:03 PM Klagon: What the fuck do you shave with, a samurai sword?
4:13:09 PM Klagon: Meat cleaver?
4:13:15 PM Klagon: hedge trimmers?
4:13:17 PM Hambone: "The woman was a dream I had, though rather hard to keep..."
4:13:19 PM Klagon: Jesus
4:13:37 PM Hambone: That time then, once again balls bouncing round the room
4:13:42 PM Klagon: I awoke, shaved my manbag, and send my nard bouncing around the room?
4:13:58 PM Hambone: we could have a hit
4:13:58 PM Klagon: Because I shave with a Gurkha knife
4:14:03 PM Klagon: its catchy
4:14:05 PM Hambone: machete
4:14:16 PM Klagon: I don't think I can get my machete thru customs
4:14:31 PM Hambone: can I get my elephant tusks?
4:14:36 PM Klagon: yeah.
4:14:50 PM Klagon: they aren't dangerous, and they're crucial to your religious observation
4:15:11 PM Hambone: we might have to go to binions and go up to room 813
4:15:15 PM Hambone: smell the door
4:15:20 PM Hambone: say a satanic prayer
4:15:24 PM Klagon: See if the fear is there?
4:15:52 PM Hambone: you mean the Fear?
4:15:56 PM Hambone: punctuate properly
4:15:57 PM Klagon: yeah
4:16:02 PM Hambone: show respect fucktard
4:16:09 PM Klagon: typing quickly, didnt intend to disrespect The Feat
4:16:12 PM Klagon: Fear
4:16:17 PM Hambone: oh jesus
4:16:19 PM Klagon: or the Feat for that matter
4:16:25 PM Hambone: you're gonna burn

…
 
4:21:16 PM Klagon: Beef Jerky Store, 112 B North 3rd Street (behind, parallel to Fremont Street)
4:21:21 PM Klagon: by the way
4:21:26 PM Hambone: there goes my stash
4:21:32 PM Klagon: a lilttle something else to look forward to
4:21:36 PM Klagon: at the jerky store
4:21:40 PM Hambone: yup
4:21:43 PM Hambone: love the jerky
4:21:50 PM Klagon: heard that about you
4:21:52 PM Klagon: ckckckc
4:21:55 PM Hambone: never had anything better than 7-11 jerk
4:22:04 PM Hambone: we all love jerky
4:22:06 PM Klagon: THsi is some serious gourmet shit
4:22:15 PM Hambone: nice
4:22:22 PM Klagon: check out the website
4:22:32 PM Klagon: beefjerkystore.com <http://beefjerkystore.com>
4:22:33 PM Hambone: what's that weird disease people used to get from eating too much meat?
4:22:39 PM Klagon: gout?
4:22:43 PM Hambone: no
4:22:47 PM Klagon: Big Dave had Gout
4:22:51 PM Klagon: Like henry VIII
4:22:58 PM Hambone: yeesh
4:23:07 PM Klagon: controllable these days
4:23:22 PM Klagon: its a liver, kidneys thing
4:23:25 PM Hambone: 8.50 for 7 oz
4:23:27 PM Klagon: unflushed toxins
4:23:33 PM Klagon: at the jerky store?
4:23:35 PM Klagon: jesus
4:23:39 PM Hambone: yeah
4:23:41 PM Klagon: real meat isnt that much
4:23:58 PM Hambone: beef sticks
4:24:09 PM Hambone: i hope this place has t shirts
4:24:15 PM Klagon: yeah.
4:24:22 PM Klagon: I need some cool new tshirts