The following is an actual conversation:
1:18:04 PM Klagon: yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo
1:18:21 PM Hambone: yo yo yo yoyoyo yo yo yo yoyoyo
1:18:29 PM Klagon: yeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyea
1:18:32 PM Klagon: one day
1:18:38 PM Klagon: til we're functionally in vegas
1:18:46 PM Hambone: yeah yeah
1:18:49 PM Klagon: yeyeyeyeyeyaa
1:19:11 PM Klagon: I wish we could get like an hour of child visitation per day
1:19:22 PM Hambone: yeah
1:19:27 PM Klagon: get alittle fix then usher them away to safety
1:19:29 PM Hambone: i had much guilt last tme
1:19:44 PM Klagon: I'm usually ok until the middle of day two
1:19:54 PM Hambone: who is this dancer?
1:19:58 PM Hambone: is that jon?
1:20:16 PM Klagon: Chris, with giant australian lifeguard hat and night vision monocle
1:20:25 PM Hambone: jesus
1:20:30 PM Hambone: he's fatter than I thought
1:20:35 PM Hambone: we all need to go on a crash diet
1:20:39 PM Klagon: totally.
1:22:18 PM Hambone: ever been to st louis?
1:22:30 PM Klagon: no. will it make me feel thin?
1:22:35 PM Klagon: Mike just got back
1:22:50 PM Klagon: ask him about his hotel, apparently he had a really sweet view of the arch
1:23:06 PM Hambone: i was just contacted by a headhunter looking to fill a job in st louis
1:23:18 PM Klagon: huh.
1:23:23 PM Klagon: its the most dangerous city in america
1:23:29 PM Hambone: is it?
1:23:33 PM Hambone: worse than detroit?
1:23:35 PM Hambone: and DC?
1:23:37 PM Klagon: which is strange in a counttry that includes detroit
1:23:44 PM Klagon: I think its a per capita assessment
1:31:54 PM Hambone: mmmm
1:31:58 PM Hambone: hmmmmm that is
1:32:01 PM Hambone: mmmm per capita
1:32:21 PM Klagon: thats what I heard. didn't do any independent corroboration or further research
1:32:26 PM Klagon: James Ellroy lives there
1:32:33 PM Klagon: So that ought to tell you something
1:33:07 PM Hambone: miles grew up there
1:33:13 PM Hambone: my vegas friend grew up there too
1:33:16 PM Klagon: So that's awesome
1:33:29 PM Hambone: not if the jazz scene sucks now
1:33:29 PM Klagon: Dick-slingin' ***** grew up there?
1:33:33 PM Hambone: yeah
1:33:43 PM Klagon: So the place can't be all bad
1:33:52 PM Hambone: i don't know if I'd call him dick slingin' ***** when you first met him
1:33:54 PM Klagon: As long as you enjoy random dick on your shoulder
1:34:01 PM Klagon: No?
1:34:13 PM Klagon: Then tell him not to sling dick while I'm playing video games
1:34:14 PM Hambone: might be a weird intro
1:34:24 PM Klagon: What if I call him Dr. Dick-slingin' *****
1:34:32 PM Klagon: I'll extend the proper respect
1:34:37 PM Hambone: you could call him Dr Choco
1:34:42 PM Klagon: I'm not a heathen
1:34:45 PM Hambone: that's what his dick was referred to
1:34:53 PM Klagon: I see
1:34:54 PM Hambone: and he for that matter
1:34:57 PM Hambone: filipino
1:35:00 PM Hambone: brown dick
1:35:01 PM Klagon: Nice that you had a nickname for it
1:35:01 PM Hambone: Choco
1:35:04 PM Klagon: I figured
1:35:08 PM Hambone: wasn't my joke
1:35:13 PM Klagon: He seemed brownish
1:35:27 PM Hambone: pinoi's don't care about that shit
1:35:27 PM Klagon: I figured he was eye-talian
1:35:42 PM Klagon: dick slingin, you mean?
1:35:43 PM Hambone: mike used to show us his furry ass all the time
1:35:48 PM Klagon: Huh.
1:35:54 PM Hambone: dick slingin', flaunting the shit
1:36:03 PM Klagon: Uptight whiteys cant always get behind that
1:36:07 PM Klagon: no pun
1:36:22 PM Klagon: I lived with a guy who used to show people his ass all the time
1:36:25 PM Klagon: Brian.
1:36:30 PM Klagon: He's a corporate lawyer now
1:36:35 PM Hambone: mike called me into another room once, and when I walked in, he was on the pool table on all fours with his super hairy asshole pointed at me, laughing like Beavis
1:36:42 PM Hambone: mike's a drug addict now I think
1:36:43 PM Klagon: A total idiot
1:36:54 PM Hambone: not sure
1:36:58 PM Klagon: Huh
1:37:08 PM Hambone: last I heard he was playing with special k in san fran six years ago
1:37:10 PM Klagon: So why does ***** need the hookup
1:37:22 PM Klagon: Tell him we want some fucking percoset, stat.
1:37:28 PM Hambone: hehe
1:37:33 PM Hambone: i could make that call
1:37:36 PM Hambone: a bit unethical
1:37:39 PM Klagon: slightly
1:37:45 PM Klagon: my back hurts
1:37:45 PM Hambone: dont even know what kind of doctor he is
1:37:53 PM Hambone: my balls are killing me
1:37:53 PM Klagon: he better be a titty doctor
1:38:04 PM Klagon: really, or just for fun
1:38:08 PM Klagon: your balls that is
1:38:08 PM Hambone: that guy would get a hard on at every exam
1:38:13 PM Hambone: fun
1:38:16 PM Klagon: oh
1:38:18 PM Klagon: that's good, I don’t want your balls to hurt unless I do the hurting
1:38:46 PM Klagon: then I know its nothing serious, just that i kicked you, or whacked you with a pool cue
1:38:48 PM Hambone: thanks
1:38:54 PM Klagon: I'm looking out
…
3:27:33 PM Hambone: yo
3:27:38 PM Klagon: yo
3:27:42 PM Klagon: can we go now
3:27:50 PM Klagon: just hang out at the airport for 36 hours?
3:27:58 PM Hambone: that's not a bad idea
3:28:04 PM Klagon: its a nice airport
3:28:13 PM Klagon: did you find out if your fuct or not?
3:28:15 PM Hambone: not a very robust food court
3:28:29 PM Klagon: they closed down the fridays because its filthy
3:28:55 PM Klagon: so we're stuck with that weird noshes joint
3:28:59 PM Klagon: where everything sucks
3:29:06 PM Klagon: kind of
3:29:48 PM Klagon: I think The Shadow is coming to Vegas
3:30:13 PM Klagon: Things just took a left turn to bizarroland.
3:30:38 PM Klagon: with a pitstop in giggly moron ville.
3:39:25 PM Hambone: huh?
3:39:28 PM Hambone: he's in?
3:39:30 PM Klagon: That's what he says
3:39:35 PM Hambone: i thought he was working?
3:39:46 PM Hambone: the good news is that he LIKES the rollaway
3:39:52 PM Klagon: He was all "Hey aren't you guys going to Vegas this weekend?"
3:40:03 PM Klagon: And I was all "FuCK YEAh buddy"
3:40:12 PM Klagon: then he was all "That's funny, me too"
3:40:22 PM Hambone: for work?
3:40:31 PM Klagon: No, to fuck around with us
3:40:41 PM Klagon: and disappear, then reappear
3:40:50 PM Hambone: all Shadow-like
3:40:54 PM Klagon: exactly
3:40:59 PM Klagon: and to cheapify the room
3:40:59 PM Hambone: what happened, ****** got tired of him?
3:41:07 PM Klagon: she fucking hates that guy
3:41:13 PM Hambone: wants some time with the shower massager?
3:41:18 PM Klagon: Word son
3:41:27 PM Hambone: that was a bit cold
3:41:31 PM Hambone: but those things are magic
3:41:38 PM Klagon: tell me about it
3:43:42 PM Klagon: not really
3:43:53 PM Klagon: I don't want to hear about your secret shames
3:44:22 PM Hambone: not for me
3:44:33 PM Klagon: for the ladies
3:44:34 PM Hambone: water massages dont feel great on the nuts
3:44:37 PM Hambone: but the ladies
3:44:38 PM Hambone: oofa
3:44:44 PM Klagon: oo
3:44:45 PM Klagon: fa
3:44:47 PM Hambone: makes the bean go crazy
3:46:49 PM Klagon: this ought to be entertaining
3:46:57 PM Hambone: so wait
3:47:04 PM Hambone: is he going to jet blue on friday?
3:47:13 PM Klagon: as long as he's up for doing whatever we tell him to do
3:47:15 PM Klagon: yes.
3:47:16 PM Klagon: JB
3:47:26 PM Hambone: this kinda fucocks saturday while you're at the wedding
3:47:29 PM Hambone: JB....
3:47:32 PM Hambone: is coming?
3:47:33 PM Klagon: jet blue
3:47:36 PM Hambone: oh
3:47:37 PM Hambone: damn
3:47:45 PM Klagon: I realized that was gonna fuck with you too late
3:47:45 PM Hambone: got worked up for a second
3:47:57 PM Hambone: he would truly have been Big Time
3:48:05 PM Klagon: ohhh saturday with dick slingin *****?
3:48:12 PM Hambone: or Big Time©
3:48:18 PM Hambone: that deserves a copy write
3:48:19 PM Hambone: yea
3:48:22 PM Klagon: we would have to own that shit
3:48:30 PM Hambone: i can't strand The Shadow
3:48:31 PM Klagon: not necessarily
3:48:46 PM Klagon: he might not be interested in poolside
3:48:52 PM Klagon: he might come to the wedding
3:49:04 PM Klagon: its a free for all, no rules
3:49:12 PM Hambone: thats fucked
3:49:18 PM Klagon: whats fucked?
3:49:20 PM Hambone: if he goes to the wedding and I don't
3:49:32 PM Hambone: why don't you get some black pen and scrawl "asshole" across my forehead
3:49:48 PM Klagon: maybe shadow's got his own plan
3:49:53 PM Klagon: is all I'm sayin
3:50:02 PM Hambone: he's going to the rhino for some afternoon delight
3:50:11 PM Klagon: totally
3:50:36 PM Klagon: he's gonna blow a grand at the Rhino saturday afternoon
3:50:44 PM Klagon: then just sleep it off the rest of the weekend
3:51:10 PM Hambone: so he's flying friday?
3:51:21 PM Hambone: leaving monday with us?
3:53:11 PM Klagon: he's flying friday, lands at noon, taking red-eye home sunday night
3:53:20 PM Hambone: he's doing what **** should have done
3:53:30 PM Klagon: he's on the line now, should I mention your saturday fun to him
3:53:49 PM Hambone: tell him I'm supposed to go see a college bud on saturday
3:53:59 PM Hambone: but we may just hang around the house and then head out
3:54:14 PM Hambone: should we upgrade the room?
3:54:16 PM Hambone: hehe
3:54:17 PM Klagon: more the merrier, of course?
3:54:20 PM Klagon: no
3:54:23 PM Klagon: lets keep it mellow
3:54:25 PM Hambone: i assume
3:54:31 PM Hambone: mellow?
3:54:33 PM Hambone: in Vegas?
3:54:41 PM Klagon: on the room, anyway
3:54:47 PM Klagon: the rest of it should be off the heezy
3:55:48 PM Klagon: yeah.. still not going to be in our room all that much, what's the point
3:55:52 PM Klagon: its nice enough
3:55:59 PM Klagon: to recover and fart in
3:56:20 PM Hambone: can't impress a hooker with a rollaway
3:56:26 PM Klagon: true.
3:56:30 PM Hambone: like a hooker needs impressing
3:56:34 PM Klagon: you can if you're just going to kill her anyway
3:56:41 PM Klagon: then it doesn't matter
3:56:43 PM Hambone: so true
3:59:18 PM Hambone: might want to consider the car through monday now
3:59:24 PM Klagon: perhaps
3:59:38 PM Hambone: could come in handy on sunday
3:59:41 PM Klagon: no real need, since we're on the strip
3:59:49 PM Klagon: why handy on sunday?
3:59:58 PM Hambone: but back and forth to old town, out to a club in the evening
4:00:03 PM Klagon: We're gonna be shitcanned on sunday
4:00:06 PM Hambone: could be lots of back and forth
4:00:12 PM Hambone: that's true
4:00:19 PM Hambone: are DWIs illegal in Vegas?
4:00:26 PM Klagon: Better off donating to the local cabbie poplulation
4:00:47 PM Klagon: even 5-6 short rides won't add up to the extra $150 for the jeep
…
4:05:24 PM Hambone: Shadow good for guns on friday?
4:05:30 PM Klagon: of course
4:05:42 PM Klagon: he gets in an hour before we do
4:05:55 PM Klagon: I wonder if there's a way I can arrange to have him pick up the jeep
4:07:28 PM Hambone: now you're thinking
4:07:31 PM Hambone: he aware of the jeep?
4:07:36 PM Hambone: he likes transportation
4:07:36 PM Klagon: dunno
4:07:43 PM Hambone: so much so that he paid for the entire car last time
4:07:48 PM Hambone: sick fuck that he is
4:07:59 PM Klagon: I believe he AMEXbonused that shit
4:08:16 PM Hambone: ah
4:08:18 PM Klagon: I could just give him the res # and have him transfer the thing to him
4:08:38 PM Hambone: that would be swell
4:08:45 PM Hambone: we're still going to have baggage issues
4:08:49 PM Hambone: jeeps ain't big
4:08:57 PM Klagon: its a wrangler extended
4:09:00 PM Hambone: three dudes, 5 or 6 bags
4:09:01 PM Klagon: i think
4:09:05 PM Hambone: the four door?
4:09:09 PM Klagon: how much shit are you bringin?
4:09:13 PM Hambone: or the Scrambler?
4:09:16 PM Klagon: not the 4 door, the scrambler
4:09:26 PM Hambone: i have a backpack with my computer and gear
4:09:30 PM Hambone: and then a bag with clothes
4:09:34 PM Klagon: right
4:09:44 PM Hambone: dont get on me motherfucker, I was the only one who didnt check baggage last time
4:09:50 PM Klagon: I didnt' check shit
4:09:57 PM Hambone: you dicks packed like a bunch of chicks flyin to the Caribbean
4:10:01 PM Klagon: or did I because ******* was going to anyway?
4:10:07 PM Klagon: that's *******’s fault
4:10:07 PM Hambone: yes you did
4:10:12 PM Hambone: uh huh
4:10:23 PM Klagon: he was all, "I'm checking my bag no matter what"
4:10:29 PM Klagon: "Thats how I'm rolling"
4:10:31 PM Hambone: he's a douche too
4:10:35 PM Klagon: Fuck him
4:10:39 PM Hambone: not even coming
4:10:41 PM Klagon: I ain't checking shit
4:10:41 PM Hambone: fuckwad
4:10:44 PM Hambone: fuck that
4:10:52 PM Klagon: lean and mean
4:10:56 PM Hambone: check this
4:10:59 PM Klagon: swing low, shweet chariots
4:10:59 PM Hambone: fuckers
4:11:05 PM Hambone: oh natural baby
4:11:08 PM Klagon: I got a bag you can check, right here
4:11:16 PM Klagon: smooth as silk
4:11:40 PM Hambone: eeeeeewwwww
4:11:49 PM Klagon: I didn't shave my coin purse
4:11:56 PM Klagon: its a line from a Ween tune
4:11:59 PM Hambone: well thats what it sounded like
4:12:02 PM Klagon: I know
4:12:04 PM Klagon: still funny
4:12:16 PM Hambone: you shave your manbag?
4:12:22 PM Hambone: twisted
4:12:27 PM Klagon: What did I just say?
4:12:29 PM Hambone: aren't you afraid you're going to cut it?
4:12:47 PM Hambone: make one of your nards fall out?
4:12:56 PM Hambone: chasing it as it bounces around the room?
4:13:03 PM Klagon: What the fuck do you shave with, a samurai sword?
4:13:09 PM Klagon: Meat cleaver?
4:13:15 PM Klagon: hedge trimmers?
4:13:17 PM Hambone: "The woman was a dream I had, though rather hard to keep..."
4:13:19 PM Klagon: Jesus
4:13:37 PM Hambone: That time then, once again balls bouncing round the room
4:13:42 PM Klagon: I awoke, shaved my manbag, and send my nard bouncing around the room?
4:13:58 PM Hambone: we could have a hit
4:13:58 PM Klagon: Because I shave with a Gurkha knife
4:14:03 PM Klagon: its catchy
4:14:05 PM Hambone: machete
4:14:16 PM Klagon: I don't think I can get my machete thru customs
4:14:31 PM Hambone: can I get my elephant tusks?
4:14:36 PM Klagon: yeah.
4:14:50 PM Klagon: they aren't dangerous, and they're crucial to your religious observation
4:15:11 PM Hambone: we might have to go to binions and go up to room 813
4:15:15 PM Hambone: smell the door
4:15:20 PM Hambone: say a satanic prayer
4:15:24 PM Klagon: See if the fear is there?
4:15:52 PM Hambone: you mean the Fear?
4:15:56 PM Hambone: punctuate properly
4:15:57 PM Klagon: yeah
4:16:02 PM Hambone: show respect fucktard
4:16:09 PM Klagon: typing quickly, didnt intend to disrespect The Feat
4:16:12 PM Klagon: Fear
4:16:17 PM Hambone: oh jesus
4:16:19 PM Klagon: or the Feat for that matter
4:16:25 PM Hambone: you're gonna burn
…
4:21:16 PM Klagon: Beef Jerky Store, 112 B North 3rd Street (behind, parallel to Fremont Street)
4:21:21 PM Klagon: by the way
4:21:26 PM Hambone: there goes my stash
4:21:32 PM Klagon: a lilttle something else to look forward to
4:21:36 PM Klagon: at the jerky store
4:21:40 PM Hambone: yup
4:21:43 PM Hambone: love the jerky
4:21:50 PM Klagon: heard that about you
4:21:52 PM Klagon: ckckckc
4:21:55 PM Hambone: never had anything better than 7-11 jerk
4:22:04 PM Hambone: we all love jerky
4:22:06 PM Klagon: THsi is some serious gourmet shit
4:22:15 PM Hambone: nice
4:22:22 PM Klagon: check out the website
4:22:32 PM Klagon: beefjerkystore.com <http://beefjerkystore.com>
4:22:33 PM Hambone: what's that weird disease people used to get from eating too much meat?
4:22:39 PM Klagon: gout?
4:22:43 PM Hambone: no
4:22:47 PM Klagon: Big Dave had Gout
4:22:51 PM Klagon: Like henry VIII
4:22:58 PM Hambone: yeesh
4:23:07 PM Klagon: controllable these days
4:23:22 PM Klagon: its a liver, kidneys thing
4:23:25 PM Hambone: 8.50 for 7 oz
4:23:27 PM Klagon: unflushed toxins
4:23:33 PM Klagon: at the jerky store?
4:23:35 PM Klagon: jesus
4:23:39 PM Hambone: yeah
4:23:41 PM Klagon: real meat isnt that much
4:23:58 PM Hambone: beef sticks
4:24:09 PM Hambone: i hope this place has t shirts
4:24:15 PM Klagon: yeah.
4:24:22 PM Klagon: I need some cool new tshirts
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Final Countdown... St. Louis Slingin'... And Then There Were Three... Automotives, Bouncing Nards and the Fear... Beef Sticks and Gout
Friday, October 5, 2007
Time, the Insatiable Beast ... Ruining Hunter's Prose ... Spaceboobs
The following is an actual conversation:
10:00:06 AM Hambone: one week
10:00:14 AM Hambone: can you believe that shit
10:00:17 AM Klagon: No
10:00:19 AM Klagon: I cannot
10:00:23 AM Hambone: it seemed like such a far off dream
10:00:27 AM Hambone: and now it's here
10:00:34 AM Klagon: Sweet dream from Heaven
10:00:38 AM Hambone: and in a drunken flash, it will be gone again
10:00:46 AM Hambone: damn you, time!
10:00:51 AM Hambone: why do you curse me?
10:01:16 AM Klagon: Fucking time.
10:01:42 AM Klagon: I need to get a handle on that shit. Start bending it to MY will, rather than always being under its thumb.
10:02:19 AM Hambone: the ability to bend time would come in very handy
10:02:28 AM Hambone: stopping time would be phenominal
10:02:36 AM Hambone: imagine the havoc you could cause
10:02:45 AM Hambone: it's an adam sandler movie
10:02:47 AM Hambone: but still
…
12:53:21 PM Hambone: the audiobook reading of F&L is DREADFUL
12:53:33 PM Klagon: Who is responsible?
12:53:38 PM Hambone: dont know who the fuck cast that guy but they should be fired from a cannon into hell
12:53:50 PM Klagon: Who?
12:53:50 PM Hambone: http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/enSearch/searchResults.jsp?D=Fear+and+Loathing&Ntt=Hunter+S.+Thompson&Dx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&Ntk=S_Author_Search&Ntx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&y=0&N=0&x=0&BV_UseBVCookie=Yes <http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/enSearch/searchResults.jsp?D=Fear+and+Loathing&Ntt=Hunter+S.+Thompson&Dx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&Ntk=S_Author_Search&Ntx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&y=0&N=0&x=0&BV_UseBVCookie=Yes>
12:54:08 PM Klagon: Who the fuck is Ron McLarty?
12:54:14 PM Hambone: so disappointing
12:54:16 PM Klagon: LIke Christopher walken wouldn't have done it?
12:54:17 PM Hambone: some chump
12:54:24 PM Hambone: could you imagine?
12:54:33 PM Klagon: I'm imagining right now
12:54:35 PM Klagon: Its great
12:54:38 PM Klagon: by the way
12:54:55 PM Klagon: What about Campbell Scott reading the Rum Diary?
12:55:02 PM Hambone: it's ok
12:55:05 PM Hambone: a little stiff
12:55:28 PM Klagon: Yeah... he's like that. Aren't you kind of a fan though>
12:55:29 PM Klagon: ?
12:55:52 PM Hambone: he's good
12:55:56 PM Hambone: but not his genre
12:56:20 PM Klagon: This fucking guy sounds like Kasey Kasem
12:56:24 PM Klagon: Its horrible.
12:56:28 PM Klagon: Jesus.
12:56:32 PM Klagon: This is so bad.
12:56:51 PM Klagon: Oh my fucking God. My ears. They will never forgive me.
12:57:18 PM Klagon: Wouldn't they just buzz in after "we were just outside of" <BZZZZ> "
thank you, we'll call you.
12:57:42 PM Hambone: someone greenlighted this
12:57:57 PM Klagon: That's the guy I want to dickslap.
12:57:58 PM Hambone: someone heard it said, "this is ok for an HST book"
12:58:09 PM Klagon: Who is HST anyway?
12:58:17 PM Klagon: Never mind, lets just put it out
12:58:31 PM Hambone: what the fuck is ether?
12:58:34 PM Hambone: doesn't matter
12:58:49 PM Klagon: Lets see what's on the Oprah list
12:59:35 PM Klagon: Is that asparagus?
…
2:57:33 PM Hambone: we should write some kind of sci fi story
2:57:51 PM Klagon: then turn it into a cash-flush religion?
2:58:02 PM Hambone: well
2:58:12 PM Hambone: that's a good idea I hadn't considered
2:58:23 PM Klagon: Beats workin'
2:58:44 PM Hambone: i was thinking more of a mega-franchise with merchandising, multiple sequels, video games, extended universe novels
2:58:46 PM Hambone: cartoons
2:58:49 PM Hambone: comics
2:59:03 PM Hambone: people in costumes walking around conventions
2:59:09 PM Hambone: we should do that
2:59:35 PM Klagon: Excellent idea. From what I've read, they don't even have to be very good
2:59:43 PM Hambone: exactly!
2:59:51 PM Hambone: just slap some generic story arc
2:59:55 PM Hambone: boogie nights in space
3:00:02 PM Hambone: get some fancy effects
3:00:13 PM Hambone: get john williams to score it
3:00:16 PM Hambone: and ZANG!
3:00:18 PM Klagon: nice
3:00:22 PM Hambone: instant millions
3:00:25 PM Klagon: ZANG! indeed
3:00:25 PM Hambone: space porn?
3:00:28 PM Klagon: nice
3:00:37 PM Klagon: might as well see some free titties while we're at it
3:00:43 PM Hambone: Emanuelle in Space kinda covered that
3:00:49 PM Hambone: oh ShowTime
3:00:54 PM Hambone: Time to Show some titties
3:00:55 PM Klagon: It never really gets old
3:01:09 PM Klagon: The kids, they still like tits
3:01:14 PM Hambone: especially when Krista Allen is the Whore Du Jour
3:01:24 PM Klagon: mmmm excellent rack
3:01:32 PM Hambone: magnificent
3:01:49 PM Hambone: and a quarter bouncing ass
3:01:51 PM Hambone: at least
3:02:02 PM Hambone: 12 years ago when she did that seminal series
3:04:08 PM Hambone: they're making a GI Joe movie
3:06:53 PM Klagon: really. that's going to suck
3:07:52 PM Hambone: yeah it is
3:16:09 PM Klagon: Unless Krista Allen is in it.
3:16:24 PM Hambone: i'd go see that
3:16:32 PM Hambone: who was the GI Joe chick? Scarlett?
3:16:44 PM Hambone: do I actually remember that?
3:16:51 PM Hambone: I'm a loser
3:17:04 PM Klagon: dunno. I was too old to watch that
3:17:17 PM Klagon: and I objected to the new GI Joe on principle
3:17:19 PM Hambone: bullshit
3:17:48 PM Hambone: you're never too old to watch armies war against each other seemingly forever without a single person getting shot or dying
3:18:11 PM Hambone: think of all the wasted ammo and not a drop of blood
3:18:15 PM Hambone: just like the A Team
7 Days to Vegas
The following is an actual conversation:
9:27:05 AM Klagon: One week from today, we'll be enjoying inadvisable pre-boarding cocktails.
9:39:04 AM Hambone: indeed
9:39:08 AM Hambone: and it will be glorious
9:39:25 AM Klagon: bathed in a golden light
9:39:48 AM Hambone: passengers will move from the aisle as we make our way onto the plane
9:39:58 AM Hambone: parting like the Red Sea for Moses
9:40:12 AM Klagon: But with more revulsion
9:40:22 AM Hambone: it's more like running away
9:40:24 AM Hambone: fleeing
9:40:46 AM Klagon: For their part it will be more of an instinctive pulling away from something they don't understand, but know is bad
9:41:16 AM Hambone: and a fleeting attempt to remain dry from our spilling cocktails
9:41:22 AM Klagon: An animal self-preservation instinct from their deep lizard-brain will cause them to recoil in horror
9:41:33 AM Klagon: Yeah, and the spilling cocktails.
9:41:47 AM Hambone: you're tapping a deep, dark place right now
9:41:52 AM Hambone: i'm a little scared of you
9:41:59 AM Klagon: 'cause who wants to smell like Ketel One and Tonic at 830 in the morning
9:42:03 AM Klagon: Besides me/
9:42:09 AM Klagon: Why scared.
9:42:10 AM Klagon: ?
9:42:37 AM Klagon: Listen, I didn't invent debauchery.
9:42:42 AM Hambone: if you're on a plane to vegas and don't want to smell like vodka, you should get off the plane and go to Boca
9:42:43 AM Klagon: I just like it.
9:43:09 AM Klagon: Exactly. Lead, follow or get out of the way. Or end up with some cocktail on you.
9:43:14 AM Klagon: Either way, move it.
9:43:25 AM Klagon: I'm drinkin' over here.
9:43:32 AM Hambone: the lizard-brain threw me for a loop
9:43:41 AM Klagon: It often does.
9:43:48 AM Klagon: That's usually where I lose people
9:43:56 AM Klagon: When I start talking about the lizard hind-brain
9:44:20 AM Hambone: it's a concept I have no reference for
9:44:51 AM Klagon: It is pretty interesting actually.
9:45:13 AM Klagon: Don't know if its psychological analogy or actualy physical truth
9:45:53 AM Klagon: but apparently the very core of our brain, where our basest reactions to things live, is not significantly different than a lizards
9:46:16 AM Klagon: And lizards, apparently are one step up from your right shoe as far as capacity for complex thought is concerned.
9:46:49 AM Klagon: so things like the fight or flight reflex are determined in the lizard hind-brain
9:47:05 AM Klagon: I'm glossing, clearly. But you get the idea
9:47:11 AM Hambone: right
9:47:30 AM Hambone: is that why I occasionally feel the need to eat crickets?
9:47:34 AM Klagon: Yes.
9:47:47 AM Klagon: Also, that is where the love for crickets lives.
9:49:48 AM Hambone: oh, I don't love crickets
9:49:53 AM Hambone: detest them, actually
9:50:04 AM Hambone: I find their chirping to be obnoxious
9:50:13 AM Hambone: "look at me! look at me!"
9:50:14 AM Klagon: So you eat them?
9:50:20 AM Hambone: always in need of attention
9:50:21 AM Klagon: Needy little fuckers
9:50:29 AM Hambone: i eat them to destroy them
9:50:45 AM Klagon: Ohhh.. well that is definitely some lizard-brain shit right there.
9:51:11 AM Hambone: their dead carcass doesn't deserve to return to the Earth unless part of my stool
9:51:23 AM Klagon: Kinky.
9:51:34 AM Hambone: are we back on that topic again?
9:51:39 AM Klagon: Doesn't the exoskeleton kinda chafe?
9:51:52 AM Klagon: Take its toll on the expulsion, so to speak.
9:52:02 AM Hambone: the gizzard is an amazing organ
9:52:04 AM Klagon: So who's laughing now? You or the crickets?
9:52:15 AM Klagon: So you're still using your appendix, then?
9:52:32 AM Klagon: Storing exoskeleton there for the long haul?
9:52:34 AM Hambone: sometimes I swallow them alive so I can here them chirp in my stomach and then suddenly go silent
9:52:45 AM Klagon: You sick fuck.
9:52:51 AM Hambone: my gizzard is in full effect
9:53:01 AM Klagon: Hm.
9:53:14 AM Klagon: I didn't know you and your gizzard were still active.
9:53:18 AM Hambone: it was turned off for a while but a steady diet of meat and hog fat kick started it about four years ago
9:53:37 AM Klagon: Nice. Unless you're a cricket.
9:53:57 AM Klagon: Then its nothing but crushing and slow burning death
9:53:58 AM Hambone: it's known around the insect community as the Jaws of Death
9:54:07 AM Hambone: it actually grinds
9:54:14 AM Klagon: Like that thing in Jedi?
9:54:18 AM Hambone: spinning blades
9:54:21 AM Klagon: Wow.
9:54:26 AM Hambone: the Sarlaac?
9:54:33 AM Klagon: Yeah, the Sarlaac
9:54:50 AM Klagon: Amazing that you knew that. The only useful piece of information in Jedi.
9:54:55 AM Hambone: it's not so much teeth as it is chopping serrated edges
9:55:06 AM Klagon: Oh. Cousin to the Sarlaac
9:55:12 AM Hambone: yes
9:55:15 AM Hambone: in my stomach
9:55:23 AM Klagon: For crickets
9:55:32 AM Hambone: right next to Quato
9:55:42 AM Klagon: Cuato
9:55:46 AM Hambone: sorry
9:55:49 AM Hambone: I always do that
9:55:50 AM Klagon: Get it right
9:55:51 AM Hambone: makes him mad
9:56:11 AM Klagon: Now you're just being a douche to your conjoined martian psychic twin
9:56:20 AM Hambone: oh he gets me back
9:56:23 AM Klagon: Not twin
9:56:27 AM Klagon: More of a symbiote
9:56:37 AM Hambone: sometimes he eats the crickets before they make it to the gizzard
9:56:42 AM Klagon: What is that thing anyway?
9:56:46 AM Hambone: thieving bastard
9:56:54 AM Klagon: You ought to have a doctor look at it.
9:57:06 AM Klagon: I'm pretty sure that's not normal.
9:57:24 AM Hambone: we have a rather symbiotic relationship at this point
9:57:36 AM Klagon: Well, he is a symbiote.
9:57:44 AM Klagon: You don't have lots of other choices.
9:58:00 AM Hambone: i take him to strip clubs every once in a while
9:58:06 AM Hambone: he occasionally shoplifts for me
9:58:18 AM Hambone: so we help each other out
9:58:21 AM Klagon: So there's some give and take.
9:58:24 AM Klagon: That's good
9:58:33 AM Klagon: Otherwise he'd be a parasite, not a symbiote
9:58:39 AM Klagon: No one wants that.
9:58:45 AM Hambone: no
9:58:52 AM Hambone: the downside is I look fat because of him
9:58:59 AM Klagon: I can handle a conjoined Martian symbiote, but not a conjoined Martian parasite.
9:59:04 AM Klagon: That's just fucked up
9:59:33 AM Hambone: without him, I'd look like John Basedow, the Fitness Made Simple guy, only without the bad hair
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Audiobooks
The following is an actual conversation:
10:32:54 AM Hambone: any interest in the audio book of Bob Dylan's "Chronicles" narrated by Sean Penn?
10:33:12 AM Klagon: Yes but no.
10:33:19 AM Hambone: explain
10:33:23 AM Klagon: I don't know if I can listen to Sean Penn for that long
10:33:46 AM Hambone: he ain't talking about politics
10:33:55 AM Hambone: he's talking about bob dylan
10:33:58 AM Klagon: I know.. but his voice can be annoying
10:34:03 AM Klagon: I guess sure.
10:35:30 AM Hambone: no
10:35:31 AM Hambone: fuck you
10:35:36 AM Hambone: i made an offer and you shit on it
10:35:36 AM Klagon: That's not nice
10:35:39 AM Klagon: Is it good?
10:35:42 AM Hambone: i dunno
10:35:56 AM Hambone: got three free audio books for doing a trial at audible.com <http://audible.com>
10:36:03 AM Klagon: Is the thing he's reading worth listening to?
10:36:04 AM Hambone: www.audible.com/xtrememac/ <http://www.audible.com/xtrememac/>
10:36:11 AM Klagon: Neat.
10:36:25 AM Hambone: its a bob dylan biography
10:36:33 AM Hambone: autobiography
10:36:39 AM Hambone: has to be SOMETHING worth while in there
10:36:47 AM Klagon: I'd like to hear Dylan read that.
10:36:54 AM Klagon: mmmnnnnnngggggnmmmmmhhhnnnfffnnnnggg
10:36:55 AM Hambone: talk about annyoing voices
10:36:58 AM Klagon: for two horus
10:36:59 AM Klagon: hours
10:37:07 AM Hambone: 5 hours
10:37:22 AM Klagon: 2 hours in, I'd drive a screwdriver into my ears
10:38:27 AM Klagon: You should get White Jazz, read by Jerry Orbach
10:38:43 AM Hambone: How Whitey Stole Jazz?
10:39:12 AM Klagon: No, the James Ellroy novel about gangsters and cops doing gangster shit
10:39:38 AM Hambone: i think I would rather read it
10:39:42 AM Klagon: Yeah you would
10:39:46 AM Klagon: Because its fucking amazing
10:40:19 AM Hambone: bring it to vegas
10:40:21 AM Klagon: But first you have to read American Tabloid and The Cold Six Thousand
10:40:25 AM Hambone: i'll read it on the plane
10:40:26 AM Klagon: I don'town it
10:40:30 AM Hambone: so fucking get it
10:40:30 AM Klagon: got it from the library
10:40:35 AM Hambone: i hate the library
10:40:36 AM Klagon: Fuck you fucker
10:40:37 AM Hambone: so dirty
10:40:48 AM Hambone: books handled by thousands of people
10:40:51 AM Hambone: very unsanitary
10:40:55 AM Klagon: You were gonna lick a drippy shitter this morning, now youre skittish about the library?
10:41:07 AM Klagon: Man up, shitlicker
10:41:13 AM Hambone: no I said I could almost taste Vegas
10:41:20 AM Hambone: i described the taste as the drippy shitter
10:41:24 AM Klagon: Which tastes like the Drippy Shitter
10:41:29 AM Hambone: but my lips never touched the shitter
10:41:41 AM Klagon: So essentially, you were a shitlicker, sense-memory wise
10:41:47 AM Hambone: yes
10:41:48 AM Hambone: exactly
10:41:49 AM Klagon: How else could youknow
10:41:54 AM Klagon: Shitlicker
10:42:01 AM Klagon: Just like I thought
10:42:01 AM Hambone: thats a whole nother story I'm not going to go into
10:42:18 AM Klagon: Please, for the love of John, do not.
10:42:33 AM Hambone: how did you know John was involved?
The Buildup to Vegas
The following is an actual conversation:
9:55:04 AM Klagon: yo
9:55:21 AM Hambone: what was the name of that really potent beer we were drinking?
9:55:32 AM Hambone: from that distributor by yu
9:55:32 AM Klagon: skullsplitter?
9:55:36 AM Klagon: double bag
9:55:40 AM Hambone: yeah yeah
9:55:45 AM Klagon: Long Trail Brewery
9:55:45 AM Hambone: sweet double bag
9:55:49 AM Klagon: Good shite
9:55:57 AM Klagon: a little rough after a couple ofthem
9:56:00 AM Hambone: cause you're hammered
9:56:04 AM Hambone: we were just talking about potent beers
9:56:10 AM Klagon: not because of that.
9:56:21 AM Klagon: gave me a little of the agita
9:56:29 AM Hambone: i see
9:56:31 AM Klagon: By the way Skullsplitter is a real beer
9:56:42 AM Hambone: i dont doubt it
9:56:56 AM Klagon: look it up, there's a bloodthirsty Vikinig on the label. Its pretty good, and even more potent than Double Bag
9:57:08 AM Hambone: yikes
9:58:41 AM Hambone: were you yoing me for a reason?
9:58:43 AM Hambone: or just a yo
9:58:57 AM Klagon: Just saw that you were there, so I yo'd
9:59:07 AM Hambone: word
9:59:09 AM Hambone: vegas
9:59:13 AM Hambone: i can taste it
9:59:26 AM Klagon: Ick.
9:59:35 AM Hambone: a little grimy
9:59:35 AM Klagon: There's one thing I dont' want to do in Vegas.
9:59:40 AM Klagon: And that is taste it
9:59:40 AM Hambone: but flavorful
9:59:45 AM Klagon: Kinda salty?
9:59:50 AM Hambone: not GOOD flavors, but....
9:59:51 AM Klagon: Tangy
10:00:00 AM Klagon: Sort of like broccoli rabe
10:00:01 AM Hambone: imagine what the drippy shitter would taste like and run from there
10:00:37 AM Klagon: Wouldn't the drippy shitter taste like feces?
10:00:48 AM Klagon: And precious little else?
10:00:49 AM Hambone: depends on what's drippin' I guess
10:01:11 AM Klagon: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
10:01:15 AM Hambone: hehe
10:01:24 AM Hambone: you need to toughen up a little
10:01:26 AM Klagon: Tastes like Vegas
10:01:47 AM Klagon: You're talking about tasting a malfunctioning butthole.
10:02:03 AM Klagon: I think that's cause for maybe getting queasy
10:02:16 AM Hambone: malfunctioning or a depository for outside fluids
10:02:19 AM Hambone: either/or
10:02:30 AM Hambone: this is all theoretical
10:02:31 AM Klagon: And no, we cannot name our restaurant The Malfunctioning Butthole
10:02:41 AM Hambone: there's nothing real being discussed here
10:02:43 AM Klagon: Even though its great
10:02:58 AM Hambone: that IS an interesting name
10:03:09 AM Hambone: i don;t know that anyone would eat at a place called that
10:03:14 AM Klagon: We should spell it "Mal-funk-shun" though
10:03:26 AM Hambone: doesn't fill the mind with confidence over the food to be ingested
10:03:30 AM Hambone: have to have a meeting
10:03:31 AM Hambone: brb
